Yes, I watched the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story, and yes, I wrote it on my personal calendar so I wouldn’t forget. And yes, I still have a paper calendar and planner that I use at all times. Screw you and your modern technology! My planner tells me when all the full moons will be, and ALL of the time zones. Can your fancy phone do that?!? That’s what I thought.
- First question – why am I watching the Emmys on a Monday?
- Second question – when will Beyonce come out to prove that she and Jay Z are happy? And why hasn’t it happened yet?
- Seth Myers is a doll. “Jokes are like nominees, they can’t all be winners.”
- I don’t think there should be jokes about Bachelor in Paradise winning an Emmy, because I’m just catching up on it, and I actually think it deserves an Emmy for Best Show Ever on Television.
- I’m so happy that I was sitting next to Dan on the couch while he was watching the “Red Wedding” episode of Game of Thrones so I can understand at least one joke about Game of Thrones.
- God, I love Amy Poehler.
- I also love that Fred Armisen is nominated for anything, and I don’t even care that no one will ever beat the actors from Modern Family. It’s not about winning, Fred. I mean, who looks back on the Emmys and remembers the winners? Everyone remembers the 4th place runner-up.
- Based on their dresses, I feel like Allison Williams is taking herself too seriously, and Zooey Deschanel isn’t taking herself seriously enough.
- I am so happy that Louis C.K. just won his 114th Emmy. That sounds sarcastic, for some reason, but it isn’t.
- Allison Janney won! I am over the moon. I didn’t know the West Wing was still on! It must be in season 20 by now. Is there a woman president yet? Is it her??
- The commercial for the new season of Parenthood just gave me all-over goosebumps. That commercial should be nominated for Best Drama.
- Aww, Uzo Aduba is so much prettier than Crazy Eyes. But not as entertaining. No offense, Uzo. Well, I guess some offense.
- Seriously? The no-name director of Modern Family beat out Jodie Foster?!? That is gutsy, Emmys. A guy shot Ronald Reagan over her. I’m sure he’d shoot an Emmy voter for far less.
- BILLY EICHNER! Some people find him annoying, but I think he’s my inner soul.
- “Miss, you’re a lesbian, are you watching Orange is the New Black?” He is 100% my inner soul.
- Should I finally watch Breaking Bad? It’s about going to rehab for meth, right? And Dr. Drew is there? And it was on Vh1? And…
- OMG I just spotted Katherine Heigl and I forgot everything I was thinking because I wonder if she is going to explode from all the resentment.
- I just feel like it is so patronizing to overly thank all the losers when you win. Yeah, yeah, you have so much respect for all the losers. Blah, blah. Just thank God and your agent, and move on, Jim Parsons. Well, now you just thanked your deceased father and I feel like an asshole.
- When does Taylor Swift perform?
- Wait, am I not watching the VMAs?
- Lena Dunham’s hair. Edie Falco’s tan. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is going to win. Amy Poehler should win. Melissa McCarthy is Jenny McCarthy’s cousin, and once I found that out I couldn’t think about anything else. Taylor Schilling must be so happy to be out of that orange outfit.
- The Amazing Race won again?!?! They’ve probably been to all the countries already. What could be new? How many rolls of hay in Nepal can you search for a flag in with your step-brother who is also your best friend, but used to be your boyfriend?
- Jon Hamm and his girlfriend are so cute (it’s so sad that I can’t remember her name and I don’t have enough energy to Google her). I hope they never break up. Is it Catherine? Catherine O’Neal?
- Fred Armisen just made me LOL, guys. “I’m having a really great time. Have they considered doing this every year?”
- Did you know that Octavia Spencer was about to star in a new version of Murder, She Wrote?, but then Dame Angela Lansbury was all, “HELLLLLL to the nawwwwww,” and they threw out the idea? Now we can only imagine what might have been.
- I love when Kathy Bates wins stuff. It’s like my great aunt who lives in West Virginia just won another award for telling it like it is.
- I don’t think I’m getting this joke about Stephen Colbert’s imaginary friend. And I don’t think the audience does either. AWK-ward.
- Scott Bakula! He quantum leaped into our time! How lucky for us!
- I am so genuinely pleased with all of these Matthew McConaughey jokes. I am also genuinely pleased with the friendship between Matthew and Woody Harrelson. They are perfect chums like Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari in Bosom Buddies.
- Also, am I the only one who still thinks of Woody Harrelson as Woody from Cheers, so I’m consistently thrown by his real personality and the fact that he does drugs?
- Who is this Miss Junior Emmy or whatever? I feel like she’s walking everyone the wrong way! Did HR not give her a proper training, or is she just another millennial who really doesn’t need this job? UGH, MILLENNIALS.
- Jessica Lange always makes me so excitedly nervous for what she could say or do.
- WEIRD AL!!! I want him to be involved in everything. Oh, Dan is thoroughly enjoying all these Game of Thrones jokes. You should see his smile. Uh oh, he just spotted his name on the screen and he told me to “keep his name out my mouth.” Thanks for teaching him to talk like that, Game of Thrones.
- Ricky Gervais can say anything, and I just laugh and laugh and laugh. I even throw my head back sometimes.
- Sarah Silverman, one of my favorite funny people in the world, just won! Her boobs look great, and do you know that she dates Michael Sheen? Phfelwkjre wrwlerjwe rweruwouoaeur!!!!!!! Those are the sounds of your mind exploding.
- Key and Peele are brilliant, I think. And not just because my friend Charlie writes the brilliant things they say. It’s because they say stuff and I’m like, that was so smart. Who wrote that for you?
- If Gwen Stefani was just starting out, and wasn’t married to Gavin Rossdale, I think she would be with Adam Levine. Also, she sure has had a lot of work done on her face. Don’t Speak will soon be about her face because she’s so full of botox that she can’t speak. ZING! It got a little messy in the middle, but the joke worked.
- I know I shouldn’t like this objectifying Sofia Vergara bit, but I kind of do.
- That Robin Williams dedication was too much. I am now nearly sobbing, and I keep wiping my eyes with my fingers, and the keys are wet. And this is my biggest problem right now, which makes me lucky.
- I can’t take this man with the french braids very seriously.
- Breaking Bad is killing it! Just like they killed that guy with all the meth! (Does that sound right?)
- Is Katy Perry coming on soon?
- Is this still not the VMAs?
- Seriously, what IS Julia Roberts doing here? I feel like the most popular girl in school showed up at her little sister’s play, because her mom made her, and everyone is really excited she’s in the room.
- I also feel like she’s reading the nominations like this is the biggest joke – “True DetECTive!” “Wow! This is such a big deal, you guys! I feel so nervous for you!” ” My friend Meryl always says it’s good to take a deep breathe before you hear that you’ve won.”
- I will tell you this story once again – Bryan Cranston walked by me and my friends in Brooklyn, right before Breaking Bad started. And I said “That guy from Malcolm in the Middle just walked by!” I will literally write that story down every single time he wins something, and I will never get tired of telling it.
- Hello, Jay Leno. Good to see you. (Said in my best Newman from Seinfeld voice).
- And Breaking Bad is closing the show. I am about to break my bad and go to bed (does that make sense in some way? Does breaking bad at all stand for getting tired?) Until the next awards! As one of the characters from Breaking Bad might say, “Goodnight!”
Chapter 1: This Movie Seems Right Up My Alley
As one of my favorite movie characters of all-time, Maria Von Trapp, would say: let’s start at the very beginning. Here is the trailer for Her that changed my life (okay, this trailer didn’t at all change my life, it just made me want to see the movie. I felt like it required an unreasonably large build up, for some reason):
It’s not the most action-packed trailer of all-time, but it still made me pretty excited, and here’s why – first of all, Joaquin Phoenix is confusing and delightful and talented. I would call him, confusingly talented in a delightful manner, in fact. Second, the trailer has a hip indie music soundtrack that made me feel like just by watching it, my Klout score will skyrocket. (I checked my Klout score once, and I think it was at a 3 or something, so you can really only go up from there). Lastly, it’s about being in love with a computer so much that you take it out on dates and spin around in a romantic daze in public. That looks so nice!
Last summer, I started hearing a lot of chatter about some show called Orange Is the New Black, airing on Netflix. Here were my initial thoughts, in this order:
1. Is it about fashion? That sounds fun.
2. If it’s not about fashion, it’s probably a violent drama and I already hate it.
3. But if I like it, it’s on Netflix, which means that I can watch the episodes at any pace that I want, which is so appealing.
4. If so many people like it, it’s probably very good, therefore I will probably not like it. I am quite contrary, and I have questionable taste.
5. I’m hungry. I want a hoagie.
Then I probably went and ate a hoagie. Man, that sounds so good right now. What were we talking about?
Before I jump right into my rant about why I think Louie is insanely brilliant and everyone should watch it, I will quickly fill in those that currently do not. Louie stars stand-up comedian Louis C.K. as a stand-up comedian named Louie. So meta. He is a divorced father of two (just like in real life, you guys!) and he gets into all sorts of precarious situations on a daily basis. He’s like Larry David, but because he is much nicer and not as inappropriate, weird things just happen TO him, rather than him causing awkward situations because he says whatever comes to his head with no filter.
When Mindy Kaling left The Office to pursue her own sitcom, I honestly thought that there was no way that she could create a better character than the one and only Kelly Kapoor. Kelly Kapoor was painfully funny, and had all the best lines. Yeah, yeah, Steve Carrell is a genius and Michael Scott was one of the best characters ever, but he never got to be quite as overly dramatic as Kelly.